Guys, I’ve been single for a while, and I’ve reached that point of #foreveralone satisfaction and bliss, nominating myself as the Best Third-Wheel Ever and buying myself chocolates on Valentine’s Day. My best friend does this thing where we argue but it’s a joking argument but it has like 13% truth behind it but not really but really, you know? One night, I put my singleness on blast, per usual. She was telling me how she really came up with her boyfriend; he blossomed from our first year at college to our now fourth year. I agreed, and said that my boyfriend made progress too but I was unfortunately unable to see the progress because he was… invisible – cue laughter. She responded by saying that I’m single by choice; I could get a guy if I really wanted.
Maybe it was because I had just ended a date-lationship a few weeks before, maybe it was because it was around Valentine’s Day, maybe it was because my 22nd birthday had just past and I was really feeling 22, who knows? But that really stuck with me, so let me just tell you why the biggest reason you’re single is not because you are “soOo busy” or you want someone who “really gets you”.
“I don’t have time for a boy/girlfriend, ugh.”
Ahh, the age old excuse. You have school, then work, then internship Tuesday/Thursday/Fridays, then you have your friend’s birthday party this weekend, and then you have to study in a coffee shop on Sunday to relax and really just feel the vibes of being ultra hip while sipping on your soy vanilla latte. Listen, if you have time to think about having a significant other, you have time for one. If you want to be with someone, you will easily make time for him/her; you’ll WANT to make time for him/her. “It’s not that I don’t like you, it’s just that I’m so busy with school and work and it just wouldn’t be fair to you.” It’s not time or a schedule that’s keeping you single; it’s you. It’s your choice to make time for someone, and it’s your choice to blame scheduling as well. MAKE time, not excuses.
“I’m just really intimidating. People don’t talk to me. It’s not my fault I look intimidating.”
Really? It’s not your fault? Because I’m pretty sure you sitting there with that resting bitch face and arched eyebrows is something YOU CAN CHANGE. You choose to look like that, so why can’t you choose to talk to someone instead of waiting to be courted?
“I’m ugly. Boys don’t like me. Where is my fishing pole? I need to make a trip to Lake Compliments.”
Listen. It’s 2014. Have we not grown out of that “pity me” stage? Here are a few things regarding your low self esteem, whether it is real or not.
– If you’re actually hands down attractive and you’re still using this as an excuse, you do not deserve a significant other.
– If you actually think you’re unattractive and have low self esteem, I’m telling you right now that you are attractive and beautiful and your low self confidence is only a waste of your time and energy. Sure, you don’t want to be a cocky and selfie-centered brat, but you don’t need to feel like you’re ugly. The universe is fair; a person may look gorgeous but can have the personality of a brick wall, or a person may be average but can have the kindest heart. Trust me, the universe is fair.
On the real, I know the feeling of thinking you’re not good looking enough for a suitor; there have been plenty of times when I’ve been passed up for my friend, or a guy has asked me to hook him up with my “hot friend”. Those are the moments that bring you down. But when someone tells you you’re beautiful, don’t let that one go. Someone may not see the ugliness you see, and instead see the beauty that you’re just blind to; it’s up to you to realize that the person is right in front of you. Choose to believe what he/she says to you, not how you view yourself. After all, your view of yourself is kind of biased.
“Guys are assholes. I always go for the assholes ugh.”
Easy solution. Make the choice to not go for assholes. Next.
“Dude I have issues. My ex messed me up. I can’t trust anyone anymore. #NoNewFriends.”
I get it. Your ex cheated on you, then hooked up with your best friend, and now they are happily ‘2gether 5eVer! <3’ You meant nothing to her. She broke your heart. You can’t trust anyone ever again. You’re going to be single for life. You are broken. You have trust issues. It’s fine.
Ok, so at what point are you going to find that someone special who you can share the rest of your life with? Are you going to use this excuse to justify why you’re single… forever? Let me put this excuse into a metaphor.
You are on an empty road, and you approach a stop sign. Unlike a stop light, you can just proceed after five seconds; it’s personal judgment here. Just count, look to your right and to your left, and go. There aren’t even any cars here; it’s like some rural area where only 2% of the population has a vehicle. You are good to go.
Using your ex as an excuse is like you sitting at that stop sign. Take that five seconds to grieve and feel and pity yourself and hate your ex. If you keep sitting at that sign though, how are you going to ever reach your destination?
I’ve been through it, and the only thing that I can think of that really just set me back from finding someone new is that I kept holding onto the past. He hurt me, he did this to me, he did that to me; we get it. But if you use this as an excuse to turn down someone really amazing… then you need to realize that you are making the choice to hold onto this. You’re the one keeping yourself single because you can’t move on.
These are probably the most common excuses that I have heard (and said) regarding relationship statuses. We just need to realize that in this game of love, we are our own worst enemy. We choose to act a certain way, to look a certain way, to have something affect us a certain way, and these choices keep us idle. It’s fine to take some time and dwell on these issues; I’m not saying to change completely over night and become this wonderfully confident person who loves taking leaps of faith right and left. But if you’re finding yourself in a rut, and you keep blaming all of these other things, I’m just suggesting that you take a step back and reflect on yourself and what you could do to change.
And no, I’m not saying to go and completely change yourself; you don’t have to change yourself entirely for anyone. Someone will love you for you, I promise. But don’t be so stubborn though; you can smile every once in a while and go a little out of your way to text someone, “have a gr8 day!” Baby steps.
Make a choice to change or to stop complaining. Either one will make you (and probably all of your friends) a little happier. Good luck!