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Soul/Sole/Seoul Mates.

First, click here and calculate the possibility of your soulmate. It’s kind of sad, I’m not going to lie hahah. I knew my chances at love where failing when the first question was “Choose your nearest city” and my nearest city was about 50 miles away… sigh. Thanks Jeff Taulbee for sending me this link late on a Thursday night when I was alone and thinking about how depressing my life is. Truly, I’m grateful. Sigh.

Yes, this is another “Friends” inspired post.

Remember when Phoebe asks Chandler if he believes in soul mates, because she just met Monica’s? And then he and Monica meet and they love the same things and he loves the restaurant she works at and they both scoff at sun-dried tomatoes? And then Chandler gets all sad because this guy is clearly perfect for Monica, and she reveals that she doesn’t believe in soul mates; she believes in working hard in building a relationship. And then they make out.

Ok so after this, I started to ask myself, “Self? Do we believe in soul mates? Or nah?” And I couldn’t really answer it. I mean it sounds very black or white — either you believe in fate and destiny or you don’t. But is that all there is to it? You either believe that there’s that one person for you that will just… fit with you perfectly, like a key into a lock or a foot in a perfect new pair of heels. Or you believe that no, there’s no one that is 100% perfect for you, and you’re just going to find someone that will tolerate you, and you’ll tolerate him/her, and you’ll label the toleration “love.”

I decided that the latter definition was a bit depressing, so I decided that maybe… I do believe in soul mates. But of course, I needed to poll unlucky victims who were on Facebook at the time to gather some opinions.

Do you believe in soul mates? That there’s one perfect person out there for you?

A little bit of yes and no, like the romantic part of me thinks there’s someone out there who is perfect for me, but the more realistic part asks, “But am I perfect for them?” I’m going to go with no; I think we’re attracted to certain traits of people, both physically and abstract, but there’s too many people in this world to have that ONE soul mate.

I believe that there are people that you’ll connect with on a far stronger and more intimate level, but the idea that there’s just one person that is “perfect” for me is hard to believe. It’s circumstantial too, like you could find your soulmate in a sense, but the timing could not be right.

When I hear “soul mate,” I think of like perfect storybook ideas. But I see a relationship only being successful through chemistry and communicating and compromising. I believe in meeting people and fate in the sense that everything happens for a reason and you meet people for a reason, but I don’t know if believing in a soul mate is a healthy thing to look for when walking into a relationship. I wouldn’t want to put my current boyfriend on a pedestal that he couldn’t live up to by calling him my “soul mate.” It makes him less real.

Ok so I was actually expecting a lot of answers to be like, “YES I DO!” or, “Nah it’s dumb,” and that be the end of it. However, the fact that I got such well-thought out responses pleases me because these are coming from people who I associate with, and you’re like a conglomeration of the people you surround yourself with, so this depth that I received reassured me that I’ve been surrounding myself with the right people. Maybe. Hm.

Anyway, so after getting all of these responses, I began to wonder what a soul mate even is.

Is it someone who you click with 100%? You guys like and dislike the same things, you both know about the secret clubs and the hole in the wall places to get really good tacos, you have the same obsession with Rihanna (maybe for different reasons). You can finish each other’s sandwiches — meatless of course because you’re both vegetarians. Is that a soul mate?

Or is it someone who complements you? Is it the person that can finish your sandwich, but only because one half of it happens to be meatless while the other is a cold-cut trio from Subway, and he’s a full on carnivore? Is it the person that likes Coachella while you like Stagecoach, so you just stay in Palm Springs for two weekends instead of one? Is it the person that will meet you after you go to the library while he goes to the gym because he’d rather lift brah than lift the pages of a book?

But what if your idea of a soulmate is someone who complements you, while your soulmate’s idea of a soulmate is someone exactly like him or her? 

So after this, I began to question more and more what the opposite of a soul mate was, and came to the conclusion from the collection of all the data I accumulated from everyone else that the opposite is a relationship that doesn’t come easy. What does that even mean though?

A soul mate is perfection, something that doesn’t have to try; it’s the popular girl in school that has perfect hair and the perfect boyfriend and perfect grades and a nice car and you just want to choke her a little bit but you can’t because everything she says and does is with ease.

The opposite of perfection (of a soul mate), is that girl in high school who has enough friends and a hand me down car. She isn’t innately smart and studies really hard to get the good grades and become top of her class. She had to be on the softball team for 3 years to finally get nominated to be captain, and graduated as MVP and “Most Improved” because she worked hard.

In contrast to believing in the fateful “it happened for a reason” soul mate, a regular relationship requires work; it’s not perfect, you get sick of each other, you fight, you make up. It’s work, but in the end, that’s what makes it worth it.

And that is when I had the biggest personal revelation:

I’ve always been the person doesn’t like to put effort into a relationship, half because I am lazy, but the other half because I strongly felt that if it was right, it should just be easy. However, are those thoughts holding me back? Is that my way of telling myself that I believe in soul mates?

Or am I just lazy?

Or have I not found the right person?

Or am I not ready for a relationship?

I honestly can’t say that I’ve come to any conclusion; I only had this revelation yesterday and then I gave up and went to go eat some cookies in my kitchen — the ones from Trader Joes, the mini chocolate chip ones, you know what’s up. However, it has been marinating in my mind, and I can’t stop thinking about why things have failed in the past, and whether it was me or it was him. Truth be told, being able to analyze yourself and knowing when to say you were wrong is one thing, but being able to progress and change for the better is another.

Self diagnosis is step one, self improvement is step two, three, four, ten thousand.

So do I believe in soul mates? Well, I came to a great conclusion, and then a friend of mine gave me a very well thought out opinion on what she thinks, and she summed up my thoughts ever so perfectly:

 

While the idea that ONE person is destined for us sounds romantic, it’s flawed and almost dangerous to expect.

It breeds the idea that relationships are based on emotional ecstasy, that “I know they’re THE ONE,” feeling. But those relying on that concept while neglecting the fact that loving and building a relationship with someone is actually a PROCESS, ..they are in for a rude awakening.

I think feeling entitled to someone, that “fate decided they’re the loml” can actually pollute loving someone for who they are. After being in a few relationships where I was so convinced they they were “The One” for me, I’m forced admit that you can feel that “soul mate” feeling for multiple people throughout the course of your life.

But I relied too heavily on just that love, that when feelings faded or fluctuated, it put the relationship in jeopardy as well. “But .. they’re my soul mate! It should come effortlessly, naturally! So it must not be right.”

Choosing the same person, committing day to day, to a love that may be less than perfect, is what a real relationship is.

I do believe in soul mates. But now, I believe that they’re not fated by the stars or the Gods. You decide who your soul mate is.

So 1.
Yes soul mates, no sole mate
And 2.
You control your soul girl

In conclusion, 

I believe in soul mates, but I don’t think I believe they are perfect for me romantically, because I find myself connecting to some of my best friends on another level – a spiritual/emotional/PLURLYFE level – and I wouldn’t change that for anything. If I can connect with you emotionally, if we can sit at Starbucks on a lazy Sunday for hours and talk about real things and stupid things, I don’t think we solely need to mate, but I think your soul may take a spot in my heart.

Also, I can be your Seoul-mate (get it cause I’m Korean ok cool).

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get vulnerable.