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“Basic Bitches Are So Basic” – The Modern Girl 2.0

I had to tutor one of my Beverly Hills prep school students with her poetry assignment that she had to recite in front of her class and family for poetry night. Inspiration struck me as I sat at yet another cafe sipping on maybe my 232,018th cup of coffee. Here’s some light reading for your Saturday. I haven’t been on FB for a week almost because I’ve been trying to get my school work done and I’ve found myself becoming an avid Tweeter/Snapchichatter/Instagrandma/Tinderella. Life is so hard. Bye.

The Modern Girl 2.0

The Modern Girl was so 2000 and late;
she’s “basic,” ugghhhhhhhhhh.

Clad in Uggs and not so pink PINK sweats;
Victoria’s only Secret is that she literally CAN even, but don’t tell anyone.
The Modern Girl’s favorite holiday is obvi Thanksgiving.
When pumpkin pie is unavailable, she’ll take it in the form of a spiced latte, grande with no whip, please.
She appropriately wore a Native American headdress to Coachella, celebrating their national holiday or something.
…Or are they called “Indians”?
She doesn’t want to offend anyone, so she decided to make bindis trendy too;
phew, that could have almost been disrespectful.
Good call.

But most of all,
The Modern Girl
loves
her
big.

But we are so much better than the Modern Girl.

Blah blah blah, blah blah blah sausage.
We have chemistry that shows that our pH level is WAY below 7.
Basic bitches are just so … basic, amirite?
We take tasteful pictures holding up an object in front of a wall as white as the borders provided on Whitagram.
“Guys, it’s all about aesthetics,” we say as we stand up at the table when our food arrives during brunch,
holding ourPhone 7++’s 3.5ft above and perpendicular to the table.
Our friends roll their eyes, acting embarrassed,
but not embarrassed enough to demand for photo credz.
Blah blah blah, blah blah blah sausage.
If Disney Princesses were alive today, they would definitely want to be our friends, but of course,
we wouldn’t hang out with them unless they are down to deny plans with friends because Netflix and pizza, obvi.
Or if they’re down to squat.
Or both.
We are trend setters and original;
the only following we do is on Instagram or Tumblr — you’rejennim, trying to get a close encounter with the fashion bloggers, right?
Don’t forget the ratio though!
We don’t Tinder, that’s disgusting — our bagels meet coffee.
We go to events and festivals (NOT RAVES) and roll our eyes at all the damn narcisselfiesticks. Can’t you just enjoy the music and the vibes?!
Follow our blogs though, it’s on fashion and relationships.
We’re considering changing from WordPress to Squarespace; thoughts?
Blah blah blah, blah blah blah sausage.

We’re so much better than the Modern Girl;
she’s so basic.

Too bad we’re the Modern Girl 2.0 —
The Modern Snob.

We’re the basic Modern Girl but, like Boxed Water, we are better.
Our outfits are more calvINCLINEed to be posted as a pound sign Oh, Oh, Tea D/N.
Our picture resolutions and noses are raised just a little higher; thanks VSCO.
Who cares if we’re officially booked in the faces; the only ‘poke’ we are remotely interested in is tuna or salmon.

But we’ll soon start reminiscing on the days of being the Modern Girl, the basic.
It’s a concept that’s so hard to explain though, it’s
something only 90s kids would understand, ugh.

So here’s to the Modern Girl 3.0 —
Can’t wait for your new mixtape to drop but of course,
I listened to you on Napster waaaay before anyone even knew about you.

***I don’t claim that I’m not any of these things because I’m pretty much all of these things so like, hashtag basic and okay with it. Also, the Modern Girl is genderless hashtag applicable to everyone hashtag crushing gender roles and norms. Also also, I’ve never tried a PSL so I’m mildly intrigued…***

Standard

get vulnerable.