Your 20’s, 30’s … 40’s? 50’s?! (I’m not judging) are for moments of laughter, love, and amazing stories that usually start with a swipe right and end with dignity left behind.
Last year, I conducted research for an article via Facebook status, but I ended up with an abundance of useless stories that made me chuckle and realize that my friends are crazy as hell. I think upon first meeting, most people think I’m a wild child and have interesting stories due to the fact that I used to school everyone on Tinder, but unfortunately, that’s not the case.
Luckily, I do know people who are wild and interesting, so please enjoy the second volume of FUN Night Stands, and if you haven’t read the first one,
are we even really friends?
Soviet U-N-I-on Top of Each Other
I met a Russian girl earlier this year and I went over to her place after a night at the club. I’m waiting on her couch while she’s changing out of her dress and all of a sudden, she comes out wearing a Russian military hat and lingerie. In the thickest accent, she says, “So are we making a Soviet Union?” I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard during a romantic moment.
One of my old roommates took me to his frat’s party, and all they had was cheap liquor (huge handles of Smirnoff and Bacardi) — gross. I tried my best to stay away from it because no good things happen when that stuff enters my body. That obviously didn’t end up happening. I woke up the next morning in bed with a random girl – didn’t like what I saw, much regret. I carefully and quietly got dressed, and tried to make my way out. Unfortunately, she woke up as I opened the door, and me being awkward as I am, said “Uh… thanks for your hospitality,” and quickly left before she could respond. I found out later from my roommate that everyone in her circle of friends now knows me as the “Thanks For Your Hospitality” guy.
Back That Thang Up
I met this girl online and we decided to go out for dinner and a comedy show in Irvine. We had a great dinner and laughed our asses off at the comedy show – the chemistry was there. The drive back to her car got steamy. Once I parked back at the restaurant to drop her off, we just rounded all four bases. After we had our “high school car refresher” she got out and got into her car parked behind me. As we pulled out of our spaces, we rear ended each other. We had to exchange info, and I ended up paying off the damage of her car myself to avoid insurance premiums. The whole date cost about $850. After that, a next date didn’t seem like the best financial decision. That was (hopefully) the most expensive one night stands I’ll ever experience. Fingers crossed.
It’s Tearin’ Up My… Heart
So I met up w this guy on Tinder bc yo girl has needs!!! I was horny and there was this guy who went to my school and he lived about 5-10 min away from school via freeway so he invited me over. I come over & I’m a little awk bc let’s face it – I haven’t had sex since December (I met w this kid in June). Anyway, we chat a little and I was so awkward bc I’m awkward, like I literally said, “…lol I’m gonna sit next to you now :).” After that, he took initiative, we were making out blah blah. My hands were slightly shaky when I was pulling his pants down BC I WAS NERVOUS??? and I see his dong and it’s like the biggest I’ve ever had and he’s a pretty nice size for an Asian TBH like wowwww. And so like I’m there doing work, showing him what dis mouf do hehueeehh and then he pulls me up, then all our clothes come off yatta yatta, condom goes on, then he like places himself right there missionary and then he starts going in and like that shit HURTS OK LIKE HES A BIG BOY AND IM A SMOL TIGHT LIL ASIAN GIRL. And like I’m there moaning and trying to sound sexy but like??? I’m pretty sure I looked like roadkill or something idk. But I mean he was hot so like I was turned on too, you feel? Okay but yeah it goes on like that, I’m like trying to sound sexy and his housemate is in the room above us so he kept trying to shush me and I’m like!?????? Bitch. And like you know when a guy gets into it, and he starts to pump faster? Okay well he does that, and there’ll be times where he’ll pump and his penis slides out and he pumps it back in AND HE FUCKING MISSES AND HE HUMPS THAT SPACE BETWEEN MY BUTTHOLE AND MY VAGINA AND MY GOD ITS LIKE SATAN’S VERSION OF AN ORGASM BC THAT HURTS SOOOOO BAD BUT YO GIRL STAYED STRONG. I was starting to tear up (lol pun intended) because oh my fuck I was not prepared for this boy. Eventually he finishes, cums inside with the condom on (thank GOD) and then he pulls himself out and he turns around and he has such a nice ass. Like. Tops would love him. So he’s wiping himself, I sit up, and I’m looking for my clothes and I notice blood on his sheets. 🙃🙃🙃🙃 the motherfucker stretched me L O L. There was blood on the condom too HAHAHA FUCK FUCK FUCK.
Also I’m starting to think he popped my cherry bc I mean the past guys I had sex w were pretty small so like I doubt they had the ability to pop my hymen u feel? BUT THIS GUY PROBS DID. It was embarrassing. I kept apologizing for the blood but he was like, “It’s okay I needed to wash the sheets anyway.”
But then he blocked me off snapchat and he hasn’t messaged me since HAHAHAHAHAHAH SUCH IS MY LIFE.
Size Doesn’t Matter — Except When It Does
Sadly, I’ve only ever been with one guy besides my BF, and it was the stupidest one night stand ever cuz I lost my virginity. I got drunk and I was 18 and ratchet af back then and I was like, “Hey, I just kind of want to lose it. Fuck it.” I decided to randomly hook up with this guy I knew. Honestly, I should have known it was going to be bad cuz his body was so small… like his head was literally the size of my fist idk what I was thinking. I was like down in the beginning with the foreplay because it was nice and shit, but when he finally convinced me to let me lose it to him, he put it in and I felt ….. nothing LOLOLOLOLOL. He’s like literally trying his best to please me but the poor guy’s dick was prob smaller than my pinky. I should’ve known just by his body frame and head. He had more going on with his fingers than down there lmao poor boi and that is why I never did or will do one night stands lmao praise the lord that I have my BF now L O L
*NOTE: I’VE GIVEN PEOPLE NAMES IN THIS STORY SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO TRY AND USE CONTEXT CLUES OR MAKE A DIAGRAM TO KEEP TRACK*
My gf Jen and I met these two guys Tom and Nick at a club while I was blacked out. We go home with them and I wake up the next morning butt naked with Tom, who doesn’t even look the least bit familiar. I hear Jen chatting in the kitchen with Nick, so I get dressed, sneak out and sit with them. Eventually, Tom comes out, and we’re all sitting and talking… and we end up drinking again. We drink all day and later that night, they invite their friend John over. We all get smashed and I end up back in Tom’s bedroom with him, smashing, and towards the end, he says he wants to see my face as he finishes and asks to turn on the lights. Flattered and drunk, I say yes. Lights turn on and OMFG YOU’RE NOT TOM YOU’RE JOHN. Too panicked and embarrassed, I just let him finish. I go out and a bit later, and Tom takes me in his room to sleep (even though he knows what just happened and feels a bit shitty). Thennn the next day, I’m talking with Jen and ask how we even met Tom and Nick. Turns out, initially we had the opposite guys. When we first got to their place, I disappeared with Nick aka I first slept with him aka omfg I accidentally slept with 3 different guys — all friends — in a span of 2 nights.