Small Talk

Small Talk 003: Chivalry’s Resurrection

A friend just got out of a relationship with a guy who wasn't really up to her caliber — he was tall and handsome, but also controlling and untrusting. After a year or so in love, they finally ended their relationship, and she's finally feeling happy and free and, most importantly, ready to date. A friend of a friend introduced her to a new guy, and on their first date, she mentioned that he

  1. was standing outside of his car, waiting for her to come out so he could open the car door for her,
  2. did not take out his phone once while they were out, and she legitimately has no idea what type of a phone he has because she never saw it,
  3. noticed that she was a bit cold and without a thought, took off his jacket and put it around her shoulders

As we're hearing this story and getting giddy in the lunch room, the mood shifts slightly, and we all wonder aloud:

Why is it that when a guy opens a door or gives us his undivided attention or puts a coat over us, we feel surprised/smitten? Why are these acts of decency seen as rarities

With the shift in our generation's sociopolitical/behavioral/humane climate, it becomes a bit more difficult for people to set boundaries, which is understandable.

Extreme feminists may exclaim that they don't need men to do anything for them, including opening a door for them — WOMEN CAN OPEN OUR OWN DAMN DOORS.

Extreme conservatives might strongly implement proper manners and etiquette as if it were equally as (if not more) important than intellectual knowledge — MEN SHOULD STAND WHEN A WOMAN WALKS INTO THE ROOM.

So what about the people in between?

I think chivalry is not something that we can expect from everyone (there are a lot of shitty people out in the world), but common decency isn't something we should be impressed with. Also, if you're getting shocked and flustered at the fact that someone came up to your front door to get you for a date, then you might not have ever encountered a decent person, and that frightens me because what kind of scum have you been dating?

Let's get one thing clear though: by no means is you opening the door for me equal to me opening my

arms for a hug,
or anything more, for that matter.

Chivalry, kindness, and decency are things we all deserve in a partner, so don't be so surprised when it happens. 

when is the last time someone opened a door for you, & do you think chivalry is dead? share your thoughts below!

 

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6 thoughts on “Small Talk 003: Chivalry’s Resurrection

  1. Anonymous says:

    Chivalry is not dead but probably just in hiding. In my perspective, it could be related to the social taboo of “being whipped” where men feel disempowered once they go out of their way to please a girl.
    Mind you that’s a little stupid, because there’s a huge difference between going to pick up her dry cleaning and doing little things to help her feel more comfortable.
    I think that the term common decency would only apply to social etiquette if it were to be applied in a general social setting, aka opening the door up for everyone regardless of how invested you are in their well being.
    Chivalry is more along the lines of giving the other person a feeling of comfort in order to create a foundation in which they feel how far up in the other person’s priorities they stand. Or something, maybe, idk I felt like it makes some kind of sense, at least for discourse.

    • underqualifiedAF says:

      I like what you're distinguishing between common decency and chivalry, and I agree. I guess I put them under the same umbrella of "caring", whether it is a general care or a specific care. But your definitions definitely make sense. Also, quite a few friends (guys, actually) were the ones to go out of their ways to point out that the lack of chivalry is directly attributed to pop culture and rap music, lol. The whole "fuck bitches/get money" lifestyle is overwhelming popular, that's for damn sure.

  2. Dee says:

    This is always an interesting topic because it is on every woman’s mind when dating a new man. I remember when I first met my he opened my car door every single time… part of me was like, are you for real? Who does that? We’ve been together for 7 years and he still opens my damn door every time! It’s funny that chivalry surprises us but the reality is the generation today lacks in what the generation before us had. Although chivalry seems rare it is around but women aren’t always accepting of it. The convo can be switched around to women not allowing men to do something nice for them because… dammit, we can do it ourselves! Allowing a guy to open a door or offer their coat doesn’t steal away our independence. With that said, you don’t deserve a medal for doing so guys.

    • underqualifiedAF says:

      I agree that it's an ever-changing topic with fluctuating variables — the increase/decrease of guys acting as such, the increase/decrease of girls accepting these behaviors! Also, I find that even though it's super easy and seems accurate to apply these problems to male/female relationships, I hope to explore or become more aware of these situations in other relationships as well. Or maybe it has something to do with the masc/femme roles that society puts us in… HMMMM.

  3. I’ve definitely come across chivalry & was “that” person who was like, “osht he pulled out a chair & it was for me and I started putting out my own chair and I already tried opening the door by habit and now I feel like a mess rambling this to myself.” But, I don’t think it’s as common as it once was….obviously…but, like to the point where some people may literally never come across it or will refuse it. I think many straight males have taught each other that they’re “soft” when they do these actions & will even bother saying anything that occurs in the movies is all fake and a fairytale. We’ve started teaching each other that we’ve grown OUT of it & SHOULDN’T expect it be so often. Yet, we are living in this social media driven time where we want everything to Appear like that “fairytale” without doing the actions. I guess we even have come to think that your bf running to McD’z (nutz…had to) makes him #BestBF5ever #RelationshitGolz & that’s utterly pleasing somehow so why reach so much higher….like, it’s cold outside…baby, you can sit in the car listening to Lil Yachty, just pls don’t forget to unlock the car door before I get to it, you’re the best, can’t wait to go to the new Golden Corral bae! ♡

get vulnerable.