Over Thinking

Over Thinking 005: Emptiness and Comfort, Wanting More Friends, & Self-Reliance

If you're still not familiar with the Over Thinking series, click here to familiarize yourself.

This month had a surprisingly interesting theme — surprising because so many of you had such diverse yet similar thoughts on the topic of friendship

Friendship is a concept that evolves in such a peculiar way:

When we're young, we're told to be nice and make friends; share with one another and be kind, regardless of how long you've known them.
When we're teenagers, friends can change based on factors ranging from family troubles to who stuffs their bra to who stole your crush.
When we're young adults, we realize that friends are important, but going on dates or finding "the one" is even more important.
When we're older, we don't know who to trust anymore, and we become skeptical of everything and everyone.

And when we're Lil Uzi, all our friends are dead.

Alright, I won't make you read any more than you should, because I answered all of these questions thoughtfully, and we all know that thoughtfully is synonymous to wordy AF.

 

This guy I'm sort of dating has like a billion-and-1 friends and I literally, truthfully only have about 2 (who aren't even really friends) and 2 others that I occasionally talk to. I feel like such a loser. I don't know what to do. I'm very shy when it comes to meeting new people that's why I have very few friends and a very boring social life, whereas, his social life is great and he's got all these friends and is super confident. When we're together we're good. We match well. But this whole thing bothers me. He invited me to a party where I met some of his friends before and I hate that I can't invite him anywhere to meet mine because they either don't get along with themselves or they're too busy doing other things with their larger group of friends. I feel so lame. I feel so lonely as well. I can't help but wonder what kind of image does that give a guy? Would he even want to be with me if he knows how much of a loner I am? It's not on purpose. I wish I had more friends. I wish I had people I could actually talk to and rely on but I don't. 

Well first things first, congratulations on dating a guy who has a 1,000,000,001 friends like that's a lot (maybe even more than Tom on MySpace)! All jokes aside, I think we can break this down into parts: your thoughts on your friends or lack there of, your thoughts on how your lack of friends will affect your relationship, and your thoughts on having more friends

YOUR THOUGHTS ON YOUR FRIENDS. 

I don't think you can define yourself as a loser because of the quantity (or even the quality) of your friends; there are so many factors that come into play with friendships, and you can't blame yourself for the friends you have. However, are you looking to make a change? Would you like to strengthen your friendships with the friends you have currently? Would you like to find new ones? At this point, you're just kind of sitting idly, understanding the crappiness of your friendships, but are you going to be proactive about it, or are you going to sulk

YOUR THOUGHTS ON HOW YOUR LACK OF FRIENDS WILL AFFECT YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

OK well if a guy ever thinks badly of you because you don't have many friends, then he's not worth it anyway, so bye Felicia. I understand that you feel kind of sad not being able to invite him to hang with your friends, but have you asked him if it bothers him? It sounds like it bothers you more than it bothers him, and though it's totally understandable that it's affecting you, it's not something that you should be fixated on. And again, if you're looking to make a change in your existing friendships, maybe this could be the opening to how you speak to them: explain to them how important this guy is to you (if he is), and how it's important that he get to know the people in your life. This could be the start to the conversation that you're looking for. 

YOUR THOUGHTS ON HAVING MORE FRIENDS.

Friends are everywhere. You need to be fully committed in making a connection, and eventually, they will come along. If you don't invest in them, if you don't become vulnerable to them, if you don't trust them, they sure as hell won't do the same to you. There are, of course, limitations towards finding new friends: geography, time, career paths, beliefs, etc., but don't let that stop you from trying to connect with new people.

 

And in the end, you'll always have one best friend to rely on — YOURSELF! Don't ever forget about that relationship, because it's the most important of all.

 

Hey! Love your blog and insta. So here's the thing…I do occasional photoshoots just for fun with local photographers, and sometimes they get a little scandalous. Like not too XXX but you know, like a cropped hoodie and pantie kind of scandalous. Anyone who knows me knows that I am confident about my body, smack my own ass kinda girl, you know? But I get so shy about posting these kind of photos on my instagram. Should I make a different account for them (and risk only getting followed by middle aged men) or should I take the plunge and upload them to my regular insta? Thanks girl

They don't call me XXXtina for nothin!
Just kidding, no one calls me that (sadly).

I think it's totally up to you and what you want to portray yourself as! Social media is a double-edged sword in that way; you can be anyone you want to be — with the right angles, of course. Hah, no in all seriousness though, if this is who you are and who you're comfortable being, your immediate friends and followers shouldn't be all too surprised and if anything, support your confidence!

But if you feel like these photos give you somewhat of a thrill of an alter-ego type of thing, then a new IG account might be fun to toy with.

But also like good luck warding off the middle aged men, yikes.

 

My best friend of 7 years and I had an argument and stopped being friends in February. Her dad's tried adding me on Facebook before and I declined it because I thought the situation would be weird for her (I was close with her family though as I practically lived at her house) and now two/three months later he's messaged me on Facebook. We just spoke and he said he missed me and all but wouldn't tell anyone about the conversation to not upset anyone. I lowkey wish he would. I miss her. I know our friendship was a bit toxic and some things she did to me made me feel terrible but she was still my best friend and I loved her very much. I can't talk to her though because she deleted me off everything, she called me a fake b*tch on a social media post just bc she read the text message I had sent my other friend, telling him how hurt I was and that I couldn't deal with all the bad things happening. I was also very, very drunk so some of the things I said I didn't even mean but she didn't see it that way and instead of talking it out just erased me from her life. 

I'm sorry that this happened to you, especially after 7 years of friendship. I don't know much about your relationship with her or your age range (I'm guessing you were middle/high school friends?) but if you know me IRL, you know that I'm someone who holds on to ANY and ALL friends I've made in the past, regardless of whether we've spoken since high school — so I can understand your sadness when you look back at all the good times and think of how much you love and care for her. Since this happened in February, it's definitely been some time — maybe enough time to have healed. My advice would be to first really truly assess the situation and your relationship with her, and ask yourself some of these questions:

Why did this happen?
– Was I wrong/was she wrong?
Why do I miss her — is it because I miss the fun times, or because I miss her as a presence in my life?
– Have I grown since this went down? Has she?
– Would being friends this time around change us for the better? 
– Would another chance at friendship be less toxic than before?
– Is there a chance that this friendship would lead up to another huge argument and another termination of friendship

As you can maybe guess from the truths out of these questions, I would honestly advise you to let it go if you think that there's a chance that this friendship will cause pain again. If you can truly say that both of you have grown as people and you really miss her presence in your life and how she impacted it positively, then absolutely go for it. Talk to her dad to come over to her house, talk to her in person, make things right.

But if you just feel like you miss a part that is currently empty, then I wouldn't suggest trying to refill that void.

There's a difference between refilling that emptiness with what feels comfortable,
versus filling it with something better than the last time.

Good luck! 

 

Just want to say I love how bold your personality and cute punch lines! I decided to "get vulnerable" on here to get your perspective on this… I'm a huge pro-environmentalist  but how do you get your friends & family to care about the environment? I get so worked up sometimes I feel like because I don't have a degree on it or an authority that they don't take me seriously which my feelings get low key hurt. To be quite honest, I'm totally not a hippie or vegetarian. How can I change their window perspective?

Well THANK YOU! I think my personality is hilarious, but it can totally rub people the wrong way if they understand my jokes, but at the end of the day… I don't care because I'm laughing very hard at all my puns, hahaha.

Anyway, being pro-environmentalist is great — we need more people like you, especially since people think climate change isn't real (yet it's almost summer and still gloomy in Los Angeles). I think it's really difficult to change anyone's opinion overnight, so if you're looking for a quick result, that definitely won't happen, especially when it's easier to, well, not care about the environment. However, I think reminders in positive ways and informative comments are always helpful; for example, if you're trying to encourage recycling, why not take matters into your own hands and create a recycling bin for your family in their houses? In our generation, a lot of us don't want to put effort into changing, but we'll eventually adapt if the change and solution are easily accessible — does that make sense? 

And just remember that your feelings are valid, whether you have a degree or just feel passionate about it. Family dynamics often lack empathy on certain subjects (especially the ones you feel passionate about, sigh), so don't take it personally. Also, I would suggest looking for friends who feel the same way about the environment as you, whether it be locally or via social media — looking through pro-environmentalist hashtags might help you find like-minded individuals who can relate to you and help you find solutions toward change! 

 

GURLLLLL your hair is life!! I know you're not a beauty blogger (but you could/should be bc you're gorggg), but i must ask — do you have hair extensions or is that your natural hair? It looks really natural but I can't imagine being able to maintain hair that length/blonde and keeping it in good shape. If they are extensions, how do you like them? what kind do you get? And generally — do you have any suggestions for hairstylists that can help me get my hair long and luscious like yours? Okay that's all! Thanks boo!

OMG well thank you for the kind words! I would probably be a terrible beauty blogger because my make up/hair routine is like, "Put shit on your face so you can hide all your ugly and if your hair isn't clean, throw that shit in a bun and call it a day" — v helpful, I know. 

My hair is all MY hair *does imaginary hair flip* lol I think I was blessed with good hair growing genes to make up for the lack of Kardashian/Jenner curves on my body — God had to throw me a bone, yaknow?! Hehe, but yes, no extensions so unfortunately I have no recommendations for that πŸ™ all I've heard about hair growth is probably everything you already know — Biotin, sleep with your hair in braids (idk), and… oh ok I guess I don't know much about hair growth, dammit. I WILL PRAY TO THE HAIR GODS FOR YA THOUGH! 

 

What's your soundcloud username??

@KIMTINACHRIS

 

I don't really have friends. It's not something I dwell on, it just occurs to me from time to time you know, like when I suddenly want to do something with company. Don't get me wrong I have people I can make plans with so maybe the problem lies with me since I still can't refer to them as my friends? It's really weird, most times I feel like I have a lot of acquaintances (some that I like more than others) but zero real friends. Even weirder, most times I'm okay with it. I've always been kind of a lone wolf, I've never been comfortable with the idea of someone knowing so much about me (when they aren't family), so I guess maybe it's a problem I've created myself?

That's the thing though, I'm not sure that it is a problem, I don't even think I'm asking a question or looking for a solution. I just haven't ever said these words to anyone, not even my sisters, we laugh about the fact that I always refer to my "friends" as acquaintances, maybe it is funny, maybe it's not but there's this idea lurking under the surface that I'm a little cold, a little aloof. 

I don't know when it began, I just know that when the thought occurred to me, I realized that I didn't really have friends (at least I don't think I do). Like I said earlier, most times I'm okay with it but sometimes I feel a little sad. 

Your whole comment resonated with me; I read it when I got the notification on my phone last week, and felt a sense of identity with your words. And judging by a lot of peoples' questions above, it became clear to me that a lot of people are feeling this way. It's neither good nor terrible, but it's more of a neutral observation, and I hope that your vulnerability and transparency served as a small catharsis, if that.

I don't know you personally, but I feel like your awareness of your friends, their relations to you, your relationship with yourself, and your understanding of your traits that you might see as flaws is such a gift that not many people have. To see yourself as what you are, the good and the bad, and admit to it is a level of self-realization that most of us can't tap into, so I just want you to know that you are dope af.

You mentioned that you aren't even if you're asking a question and that's fine. That's that self-realization kicking in again, and you're on your way to that cool ass #self-reliance shit that Emerson talks about.

And I know you aren't looking for a solution, buuuut I feel like it's my duty to push you. Now that you've assessed the situation, now that you know what the problems are, now that you've pinpointed what you feel like might be detrimental to your overall happiness in life,

what are you going to do about it?

Are you going to try and become less aloof?
Are you going to make an effort to reach out to friends and strengthen your friendships?
Are you going to melt that ice box around your heart and give yourself a chance?


Or are you going to just be okay as is.

There's no wrong answer to this because in the end, you're the one living your life.

With that, I'll end with a quote that was a little over 140 characters. Oops.

Standard

get vulnerable.