Over Thinking

Over Thinking 007: Feeling SINGLE AF, Going Through Your S.O.’s Phone, & Seeking Help

If you're still not familiar with the Over Thinking series, click here to familiarize yourself.

Old blog, who dis? 

Ok but in all honesty, I apologize deeply; I quit my job and started a new one, I have been trying to vlog once a week and create some video content here and there, and I'm just tired.

Like all the time. 
IT IS THE WORST. 

 

However, that is no excuse, so let's get to your anonymous submissions! 
 

What are your thoughts on looking through your partner's phone? Do you think it's ever okay to look at their texts with close friends of the opposite gender?

Inspired by real life events at the time, I wrote a blog called "Technology Ruins Everything: An Organized Rant With Virtually No Solutions", and your question made me revisit it to see if my 2014 thoughts aligned with my 2017 thoughts, and well…

I pretty much stand by it. 

An excerpt:

The reason why [going through your S.O.’s phone] is bad is because you’ll never know the full story. You’ll only get hurt no matter what you see.

Maybe he’s talking to his ex because she is going through a family problem that he knows about. Maybe she’s texting her best platonic guy friend aka the guy friend you think has a crush on her… but you have no proof of. It doesn’t matter. The fact that you invaded the privacy is the worst, and you get in too deep and get paranoid. It’s all downhill from there, and the brakes on your car aren’t working and the hill is really steep and your seatbelt just decided to give up and your air bags are non-existent.

If you're suspicious of some type of bad behavior, either from your S.O. or from a third party to your S.O., instead of invading their privacy, try to calmly and rationally confront them.
If you find yourself thinking that your S.O. will call you crazy, irrational, or ridiculous, ask yourself:

1. Are you being crazy, irrational, or ridiculous? Or
2. Is that a defense mechanism from your S.O., and maybe they are hiding something?

Either way, going through a phone is never the answer. I don't think anyone offers that type of date-a plan, except maybe like… old school AT&T aka Cingular aka Singular because that's what you will be if you GO THROUGH SOMEONE'S PHONE OKAY?! 

 

Hey Christina! I love love loovee your blog and vlogs! So, I'm 18 years old and I've never dated anyone. All of my friends have had relationships, or even flings, and I've just never experienced any of it.

Now, I'm not jealous, I just feel really lost. Is there something about me that is unlovable? Am I just too selective; are my standards too high? Should I lower my standards?

I'm not looking for an answer to these questions, or even a solution. I'm just at this place in my life where I feel really lonely, and I feel as if I'll never fall in love. Deeply in love. A can't-love-without-each-other kind of love. 

All throughout high school, I've lived with the motto of "don't need no man" and I've focused a lot on my self and my academics. I also use to wholeheartedly believe that love will come when the time is right. 

BUT I MEAN it's been 18 years and I just feel SINGLE AF, you know?? Like where is he??

Sincerely,

psycho losing hope(less) romantic 

To my dearest Psycho Losing Hope(less) Romantic,

This must be a topic on everyone's minds as of late — read the response right below this one for an umbrella answer and my general thoughts towards your submission! 

And as for the specifics, you sound awesome. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, that you understand yourself and are comfortable with who you are, and you're in tune with your emotions, and tbh, that combination is a rarity.

Welcome to the club *hair flip*
Just kidding (not really at all).

I feel like I was the exact same way in high school going into college, and even during undergrad as well. I felt so confident and skilled in so many aspects of life, and I felt as if I was emotionally developed and deep AF, yet I could never find "The One" or even "The One For Now" and it was frustrating as hell. You start to doubt yourself, wondering if it's your personality, your looks, your body, your standards, and the thing is that a relationship and significant other should never make you doubt yourself. 

As I reflected back on each year of being single, I would realize that I would always think I was super comfortable with myself and super in tune with my feelings, yet in contrast to that current day, I was ridiculously underdeveloped. If anything, I was telling myself over and over that I was confident and didn't need no man, but those words were empty, acting like weightless barriers; the words existed, but they weren't as true as they could have been. 

In all honesty, it's going to take some time to make it happen, and per the response below, remember not to force it. The best relationship you can be in is with yourself, so buy yourself some dinner, splurge at Sephora for yourself, and fall so madly and deeply in love with yourself that when the one suddenly crosses your path, he'll fall in love with the version of you that you're in love with too.  

 

What's your advice for girls who have never been in a relationship? Thank You!! You're the best!!  

Hi there! First off, thanks for calling me the best even before I attempt to answer your question — you a real one. 
My advice for girls who have never been in a relationship is this:

You aren't missing out on much.

Those stories you hear about guys/girls being shitty to their significant others, or how you get fat when you're happily in a relationship, or the emotional wreck you turn into when you have to actually tap into your feelings are ALL TRUE,

SO STAY SINGLE, MY FRIEND.

Ok, but in all seriousness, don't stress! Whether you're in 7th grade or being a bridesmaid for the 7th time, relationships are all about timing, maturity levels, self-confidence, and what you're looking for in life at that moment. 

Oh sorry, let me retract for a moment to mention that the relationships I'm referring to are healthy relationships, not toxic and unstable ones. Continuing on,

If I'm being totally honest, I would tell you that being in a relationship with someone else — like being in a dope ass relationship with a partner who complements (and compliments) you and pushes you to be the best version of yourself — starts by being in a really solid and healthy relationship with yourself. When you start to look for qualities in a significant other that mirror your insecurities, it skews the foundation of the relationship and what it grows into, if it even grows at all. 

Long answer medium, don't stress out on never being in a relationship, and don't force it! Things will come naturally, and if it's right, it'll feel right; I can't really describe that feeling, but I'm 200% sure you'll know what I'm talking about when you experience it. 

And once you are in a relationship, remember to communicate, to cooperate, and to let yourself love.

 

I hate my life so much. I absolutely despise it. I suffer every single day. Living this life that I live is excruciating.

I really hope this was just a low point in your day/week/month/life, and that you pulled through it. I have this rationale that in order to experience the high points in life, you've gotta experience the lows – of course, it's subjective, but I feel like I've experienced a lot of fucking lows, and it makes me appreciative of the highs. Relating back to you, I just hope that you can push through whatever it is that is making you despise your own life. Whether it's personal, mental, emotional, or caused by other factors (people, career, school, etc.). 

You say you're suffering, but if you're suffering yet living another day, think of it as victorious; you're winning everyday. You can do this and you can make it through it, and please please please, if you feel like you're about to break,

seek help.

There's nothing worse than not reaching out in fear that someone will discredit your feelings.
Your life, thoughts, and feelings are valid, ok? 

Standard

2 thoughts on “Over Thinking 007: Feeling SINGLE AF, Going Through Your S.O.’s Phone, & Seeking Help

  1. Anonymous says:

    “Your life, thoughts, and feelings are valid, ok?” – I volunteer at a crisis text line, and I don’t know how many times I’ve stressed that statement.

    • underqualifiedAF says:

      first off, i commend you for volunteering at a crisis text line – that sounds so awesome but also i can only imagine how disheartening and heavy it can be at times. you’re an unsung hero, and your actions are not going unnoticed. 

      second(and last)ly, i think tons of people feel as if they don’t matter, or if their problems are going to be discredited or laughed at, and that sort of “what if” insecurity plays such a huge role in depression. it also doesn’t help that they’re like 100% valid in feeling this way; people can be cold as fuck, and their fantasy outcomes with negativity could actually be a reality, so i totally feel for them.

       

      i’m 200% sure though that i am thankful for people like you who go out of their way to try and help a stranger. BLESS.

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