underqualified as f_ck

“one time i met this guy at a frat party and we went to those ucla car garages and went to the back of the garage behind the car and fucked and it was raining outside the garage so it was like a romantic movie except it was not romantic and it was really bad.”

You may or may not have seen my FB status from a few days ago, asking people if they’ve had any bad one night stands. Long story medium, I was assigned by a blog to write “X Worst People To Have A One Night Stand With” and I didn’t really have any experience in the department, so I thought asking people for their anecdotes would be helpful!

It wasn’t.

At all. 

However, I had a bunch of stories and nothing to do with them, so I thought I would ease this week’s reading by just posting the funny stories I received. I posted a lot this week about my articles on Elite Daily (which you can find here and here heh), as well as my article on Steezy (which you can find here), so I’m down for an easy chill week.

Enjoy!

Urine Trouble.

This guy was such a gent with a nice car and he dressed nice, but I don’t remember the date bc I blacked out. Woke up naked in MY bed, and then I tell him I blacked out and he says, “Wait….. So you don’t remember me going down on you?”

“No..”

“Aw man… I was down there for like 45 min….. And … I think you peed in your laundry basket…”

-_____- and I did.

He said I woke up in the middle of the night, opened my closet, then sat down on my laundry basket and then pulled up my pants and went back to bed.

 

It’s Time to Tryyy Defyyyying Gravity.

One time, I brought home this tall man I met at the bar and we were hooking up in my living room and he lifted me up and so I was fucking him from the air I was flying and fucking and I was basically defying all known theories of gravity. Isaac Newton was wrong. Gravity is a lie. But anyways, it was scary cus I’m scared of heights but a cool new experience so maybe not necessarily a bad one night stand? Silver lining u know?

 

On a Scale Of 1/11, I Rate Him A 7.

hi one time i was hooking up w someone in his car and he didnt have a condom so he insisted he go to 7/11 to get one so i patiently waited in the car while i watched him furiously scan each aisle of the store in search of condoms but he didnt have cash on him so he asked me for some money and by then i was not horny anymore that is it bye.

but like wait did you tell him like ‘hey i’m not down anymore lets go home’?

no i still fucked bc i am easy. then i drove home from sd to oc in an hour, thinking about what i did. he was very tall, not much space in the car, did what i could.

 

ConDAYUMM YOUR PARENTS ARE STILL HAVING SEX LOL.

SO over break I went home and I was home alone and I was kind of on a dry spell, so I was messing around on Tinder (Bay Area girls are a lot more responsive). Basically a girl I met on Tinder agreed to come over and we hung out and things started escalating and when we were about to do it, I realized I didnt have a condom.

Pause and rewind to like 3 days before this is happening.

I forgot my ID and passport in LA, so I was like FUCK wtf am I gonna do for new years I’m not gonna be able to bar hop, but someone told me that birth certificate with picture id works. I figured why not? It’s worth a shot. So I look in my parents’ dresser because that’s where the important documents are, and wtf do I find?

My birth certificate!

Just kidding.

I found a box of condoms.

Up until that point for the past 22 years, I legitimately thought my parents had literally stopped having sex, so I was pretty fucking traumatized when I saw the condoms.

Alright fast forward to that day.

I didnt have condoms, so I was like, “Oh fuck I’ll just use my parents’.” So we used two that night. After, I was like, “Fuck I have to replace the condoms, what if my parents notice?!” So I take one good hard look at the brand and type of condoms and I go to Target to buy them with the intention of replacing them.

The only fucking condoms in those ones was a fucking 36 pack.

So after 5 minutes I was like FUCK ME I have no choice so I bought them. Went home, and realize that I bought the WRONG FUCKING ONES. I was panicking and in the end I just swapped all of their condoms for all of the condoms that I had just bought and prayed they wouldnt notice. So yea idk if they didnt notice or did but never told me but I am always wondering…

I also have 34 condoms in my drawer that idk wtf to do with.

 

My Body Surrendered & I Gave Him an Encore.

I was at Surrender in Vegas with my friends and we were sitting down talking and having drinks and I see the most beautiful, super tall, milk chocolate guy from across the club and in my head I was like, “YOU. YES. OH MY GOD YES.” My friends and I were gushing about how hot he was and just dying over him and obviously I was like there’s no way that’ll ever happen cause hello look at him and look at me. And then, we lock eyes and we stare at each other and I somehow manage to not be an awkward mess and pull off being flirty and I smiled at him and he walked over to me.

We started talking and we literally talked and made out all night at the club and we like clicked instantly and we fell in love (for one night).

Side note, he was like 6’7″ and had the best shoulders and arms fuuuuhhhh.

And I find out he’s from Brooklyn and he’s in Vegas for a work event and has his own fucking suite at Encore blahblah so obv we go into his suite and it’s like your typical steamy sesh. We take a shower and he like carries me to the bed and just EVERyTHING YOU’VE EVER DREAMED OF and the sex was incredible and we fall asleep cuddling all that fucking bullshit.

And I have to leave super early the next day and he wakes up with me and he buys me coffee and comes with me to my hotel in the cab, pays for the cab and everything, and I never hear from him again but I don’t even care cause it was the perfect night and he’s my greatest conquest.

The end.

I thought I would end with a good story, lol.

In conclusion,

Do you have any fun night stand stories? Feel free to comment below anonymously (idk how it works but I think you can comment anonymously) OR message me! I don’t judge — I just laugh at you!

with you*

I totally meant with you…