underqualified as f_ck

Let’s face it; we’re all trying to find someone, and some of us may be searching harder than others. No matter how much effort you are or aren’t putting forth into finding Mr. Right, most of us see the end of our career paths / life journeys with a companion. We’re not sure what Mr. Right looks like, except for the fact that he’s tall and handsome with a great personality but also knows how to party sometimes and has his own Netflix account due to his high paying job that doesn’t take him away from his family.

But we’re not picky.

After years and years of extensive research, I have come up with a helpful guide for all the single ladies (and fellas, holler) out there in search for “The One.” My research includes, but is not limited to, judging people who are in relationships.

Whether you’re looking for Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now, these five strategies to acquire a man speak of nothing but the truth, so let’s begin.

 If you want the abridged version of this article (p. 75) + empowering women in hip hop culture today, read the newest issue of The 5th Element magazine Woman Good, Lady Better!

 

1. Become Less Fat.

I know it’s not as easy as it sounds, and it may seem very superficial, but HONESTLY, it’s logical. Guys like attractive girls, and though thickness may be trendy for certain demographics, the general concept of being thin is always going to be sexy. Besides, some guys want thinner girls because that means they are healthier than fatter ones; in retrospect, they’re looking out for YOU and YOUR health.

TIPS ON HOW TO ACHIEVE THIS

Say it with me: No carbs, no problems. Cut those bad boys out of your diet. The whiter the bread, the darker your future looks. Go on a diet and cut your portions down; in fact, sometimes cutting the whole meal out of the day might be helpful. Getting a gym membership might be a good idea because cardio can help you go from a cardi-oh no to a cardi-oh yasss. Also, I would never advocate an eating disorder, but if you just so happen to find yourself in the restroom after each meal to go “wash your hands,” I can be a good friend and look the other way.

 

2. Stop Wearing Stupid Stuff.

Sure, YOU may love your high waisted shorts, but did you know guys hate those? There are tons of articles on trends that guys hate and women love, and readers can react in two ways: they can either talk about how misogynistic the list is because women don’t dress men, OR they can use the list as a guide on what not to wear. It’s really all very logical:

 

Guys hate leggings.

I wear leggings.

Therefore, guys hate me.

TIPS ON HOW TO ACHIEVE THIS

Google “trends guys hate” and then make a mental note of all of the items you own, and then go to your closet and burn those items – I would say to donate them to Goodwill, but that isn’t eliminating the hideous items, rather, it’s making the items readily available for others to wear.

 

3. Stop Wearing So Much Make Up.

Ladies, just because celebrities and make up gurus wear bright colored lips and wing their liner and have to send their brows to rehab because they’re on something (and by “something” I mean on fleek, haay) does NOT mean you should be following in their footsteps. Men don’t appreciate your foundation anywhere; their shirts have no place for your powder, and neither does your face. In fact, why can’t you just do that all natural bare faced look?

TIPS ON HOW TO ACHIEVE THIS

Go into your bathroom and throw away any make up remover/soap/source of water. Why? Because you need those to remove your make up! Without them, you can’t wash your face, therefore you will stop putting on make up altogether. It’s foolproof.

 

4. Stop Caring About Important Things.

Is he cheating on you? Maybe. Should you care? Neh.

 

Honestly, we as women just care too much these days, and it’s becoming a hindrance to our progression in society regarding gender roles. Feelings and emotions are kind of dumb, and think of how many times you have been dumped for caring too much. Kanye asked us, “How could you be so heartless?” and it is your duty as a female to answer him.

TIPS ON HOW TO ACHIEVE THIS

This is probably the easiest strategy to live out; all you have to do is stop caring about everything. Here are some examples on how to deal with emotional situations that may come your way:

 

Your man just told you he loved you. Meh.

Your man sought comfort from you when his mother was in the hospital. That’s nice.

Your man of 10 years just told you he has a whole other family in Wisconsin with a wife and four kids. Yolo.

 

5. Realize That This List is a Joke.

Hopefully by now, you’ve realized that these reasons and my tips for achievement are ridiculous. Sure, you may change things about your personal style and appearance and lifestyle if you want to, but the emphasis has to be on the IF YOU WANT TO. Becoming less fat for a man is ridiculous; becoming healthier if you want to is commendable and should be supported as a lifestyle change for the better. Boycotting anything high waisted because a guy said they are ugly is not okay; your personal style changing over time because of your interests in fashion and what you think looks good on you is great. Make up shaming is NOT cool, regardless of what gender you are and what gender you’re shaming; just like clothes, make up is a reflection of your personal style and artistic abilities (on ya face), and the red lips and thick brows are all you. And lastly, if you find yourself caring too much about things, don’t take that as something you need to fix about yourself. Sure, there’s a fine line between caring too much and turning into a psycho that steals your significant other’s phone and gets mad over a text sent 5 years ago, but as long as you’re aware of the line and you don’t cross it, you should never feel bad for caring. Compassion and feeling are things that you can not teach someone to have, and if someone tries to tear you down for having too many feels, realize that it’s not you, it’s him/her.

 

In conclusion,

wear what you want, eat what you want, feel how you want, and if no one seems to want you right now, go buy a dog (or five) because who needs a man when you can have DOGES?!