The Ex Files: Break Ups Vol. I


There are some really awesome people in this world who truly impact your lives positively, offering happiness and guidance in a great way.

And then,

there are some shitty ass people who do not deserve a second of your time or energy because they’re selfish twits.

Break ups are never easy, but sometimes, they’re just hot messes (mostly because you’re involved with a shitty ass person). With that, here are a few real break up stories that I’ve gathered via FB to hopefully brighten your day and let you know that no matter what kind of heartbreak you’ve experienced,

at least the guy you were dating wasn’t cheating on you with other guys.


Now UC Me.

“Having been dating for one and a half years, I was flying from home (Boston) to San Diego before eventually going back to UCLA with him. The day before I was supposed to fly across the country to see this punk, he dumps me on Skype because he didn’t have the nuts to do it in person. We were definitely having problems, sure, but when I got back to UCLA, he put my stuff in two suitcases (I practically lived at his place), gave them to me, and never spoke to me again. I never got closure at all, but I had to see this crack every day in class for the next year.

Saw him out in Santa Monica literally a hands length away and he pretended not to see me, like don’t pretend I didn’t take your virginity b. I taught you everything you know #stillsalty.

Lmao he bought me a Hitachi Magic Wand when we were together though, and when we broke up, he asked me if I wanted to take it. I was like are you fucking kidding me right now!?

But in hindsight I should have taken it. They are expensive.”

— AI

If You Like it, Then You Shoulda Put an Onion Ring CURLY FRY On It.

“March 2008. It took me forever to ask out this girl from CCHS. We went to the Mary Pickford movie theater on a Saturday to watch Knowing starring Nicholas Cage, and I was planning on making it official after the movie. The movie wasn’t really date worthy, and afterwards, we walked to the Jack in the Box across the street, and shared a large curly fries. As corny as this sounds, I took a wide curly fry and stuck it on her finger and asked to by girlfriend. She says yes! Perfect night.

Fast forward to the following Monday — it had only be 36 hours into this “relationship”. I’m on the bus ride home after school and I receive a text from her. It states:

Hey I know it took courage to ask me out and I know I said yes but I can’t do this. As cliché as it sounds, it’s not you, it’s me. I’m not where I want to be in life right now. Please don’t hate me.

— AY

Have Your Cake & Eat it Too.

“Drove 2 hours to see my now ex, spent the day having a lot of fun, shopping, dining, exploring the tide pools, even met his parents that night. As I was leaving his home, he rushed out to tell me it wasn’t going to work out. He handed me his mom’s coffee cake recipe while telling me that his dad didn’t like me so we cant date.

Wtf…..a coffee cake recipe to mend my heart? Wow…..fml

But here’s the cherry on the top:

His mom called me a week later, asking if I had tried the recipe yet.”

— NI

Panda Ex-press.

“I got dumped by my ex (we had been dating a year and 5 months) and she had a new boyfriend literally 3 hours later, which lead me to believe she was being a hoe anyway. She did it in public screaming and crying and everyone was just standing watching (it was in that Panda Express lot near PSHS). Then, apparently she walked back to her car and went straight to her “man” and sent me a picture of them “cuddling”. Oh yeah, the guy was also in the parking lot watching the whole time and I had no idea. Thought that was super creepy and weird.

The best part was she was trying to get me to give her a week later 100 bucks back for something she bought me lol.”

— NA

Window Shopping.

“I was in high school, dating my first girlfriend. She had dated a friend of mine way back when, and I asked him if he still had feelings for her, and he said no. She and I were good for a bit, but then one day, I was in my friend’s neighborhood and saw my girlfriend’s car. I decided to call her to see where she was and she told me she was out “shopping”. Walked by my friends house where his room was visible on the bottom floor through the window; turns out, she was making out with him. We broke up that night, and I found out later that she hadn’t just been making out with him, but had been having sex with him too.”

— LA


“When I was a freshman in high school I was dating a guy two years older than me who had dropped out of school and had recently gotten out of a drug rehabilitation program. Great choice, I know. Can’t even be upset about how the rest of this turned out. Gold star for decision-making on my part.

We dated for about two years, and I started to take little trips for college tours around the states. Every time I left he seemed to get in trouble, but the last time he really knocked it out of the park and wound up in jail. He was sentenced to 5 years for robbery and breaking probation, so my best friend thought that moment would be the best time to let me know that my boyfriend was actually cheating on me for the latter year of our relationship…. with OTHER MEN. Cool.

I never confronted him about it, and we just went our separate ways – which made it entirely more awkward when he got out after less than a year for good behavior and didn’t understand why I didn’t want to get back together.”

— IR


And one dump-er story, of course.

“This is a story of how I dumped someone if that still counts. I was thinking of breaking up for a while and my high school friends encouraged me to just end it. So, I went to said friend’s house with others for a school project. I called him and put him on speaker. I warned my friends beforehand that he has a bit of a squeaky voice. The minute he answered, my friends giggled loud and ran around WHILE HE WAS ON SPEAKER MODE.

Giggling, I told him, Let’s break up.
He replied with an, Oh… and continued with, I knew you were going to do this.
I said, Yeah okay. Bye. and hung up.

Couple days later he posted an essay on Xanga saying how I was very a submissive and quiet person who doesn’t have to courage to do anything, and that he can def do better. And then he turned one of my guy friends against me, who then came up to me at a volunteer event and said I should apologize to my ex.

I said fuck you to him and never talked to them both.”

— EI

Do you have any awesomely terrible break up stories? Write them in the comments below OR FB message me – The Ex Files: Break Ups Vol. II will be live next week!


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