underqualified as f_ck

When it comes to phones, computers, and tablets, technology, you’re doing a fantastic job. When it comes to relationships, technology should be referred to wrecknology, because as Miley maybe once said, a wrong text or tweet could come in any time like a wrecking ball.

This isn’t an article about eHarmony, Tinder, or even Christian Mingle. This isn’t about our growing uses of finding relationships via FaceBook or ChatRoulette. This is an article about the unwritten rules of technology and social media, and how they can drive you from being a good boyfriend/girlfriend to being referred to as ‘a psycho boyfriend/girlfriend’. From Facebook to Twitter to Instagram to texting, technology isn’t even trying but our generation is unknowingly falling victim to it. Ooh, how poetic.

Facebook is great for catching up with old friends, meeting new ones, and oh, facing the fact that your girlfriend just liked her ex’s status. 

There are some people who use Facebook like an online diary, then there are those who are too cool for school to even have a Facebook, and then there are those who have them just to have them (normal people). Now that we have those categories classified, let’s talk about hypotheticals:

– Say you have a girlfriend who is really active on Facebook with a not so Facebook active boyfriend. “Are you guys Facebook official? You’re not? Well why not?”This is a fight you’re never going to win. Don’t even try the whole, “It’s not a big deal,” because it’s really not… except that it is. And then you’ll get the whole, “It’s fine” passive aggressiveness and that’s always super fun.

– Say you are both not Facebook active, but one day, you see that she ‘liked’ her ex’s new photo. What does that ‘like’ even mean? She rarely likes anything, so the fact that she liked something… it means something… right…

– Say she hasn’t posted the cute pictures you guys have taken lately. Why won’t she post pictures of you guys? I know you’re not trying to sound needy… but shouldn’t she want to show you guys off? You post pictures of her all the time. Is she embarrassed of you? #paranoiabegins

Here’s the bottom line. You’re never going to win in a fight… about Facebook. The truth is in the words. Try it with me, and say any or all of these statements out loud:

– Why won’t you post our relationship status on Facebook?

– Why did you like her comment…

– Why won’t you post pictures of us??

You’re always going to sound really dumb. That’s all.

Twitter: A place to read underhanded comments about your boyfriend/best friend/cheating whore in under 140 characters. 

So we all know that the Twitter game isn’t exactly the strongest, at least within my circle of friends. I refer to tweets as statuses that don’t quite make it onto Facebook; they are either not monumental enough or too bitchy/conniving to be read by your Facebook friends, including your best friend’s mom and your old elementary school teacher.

Because of this, Twitter has instead turned into the biggest domain for comments about how shitty your relationship is; it’s like you saying something really spiteful or sarcastic under your breath, except not out loud and on the internet instead.

Boyfriend pissing you off? A simple “he doesn’t appreciate me #whydoiputupwiththis” tweet will suffice.

Just had a fight about a girl who may jeopardize your relationship? How about a nice, “SLUTS NEED TO BACK DAFUQ UP #THURSTY” tweet? Bonus points if she follows you, which she probably does.

Or you could be in the situation where you are fighting with your girlfriend and not talking, yet she keeps favoriting all of your tweets.

“Just had #tacobell”

*favorite*

Really now? She really thinks that tweet is so awesome that it should be favorited? I can’t even begin to express how weird and crazy people are.

Twitter is the ultimate pussy diary for when you want to say something but you can’t/won’t. You’re trying to express your feelings passive aggressively by writing them in less than 140 characters, and knowing you, your girlfriend probably doesn’t even have a Twitter account, so you’re safe! Until she gets a screenshot from her best friend of your hostile subtweet about her. And that’s when it begins. Say it with me:

Why did you tweet that about me?

Why are you favoriting my tweet but not texting me back?

Oh so you’re saying that you weren’t referring to me when you tweeted, “I hate my girlfriend #thisisnotasubtweet”

Again, you’re always going to sound really dumb. That’s all.

Instagram is so simple. You just double tap if you like a photo, right? 

Yeah, you keep telling yourself that. Let’s just dive right in.

So you liked that picture of that girl in her underwear? I mean, I know that she is all about that #cleaneating and #girlswholift but I didn’t know you were just so supportive of her health and fitness.

Or you might find yourself asking why your boyfriend still follows his ex who cheated on him. #unfollow like for real.

Or what about this scenario?

“i’m going to bed! night baee!”

“Me too! night!”

*ten minutes later, check Instagram because you can’t fall asleep*

Did you know that you could see what your followers are doing and what they are liking? Ya, I had no idea until recently… and neither did your girlfriend. Interesting, she’s liking her ex’s photo of a landscape with an irrelevant song lyric as the caption… at 3am?

And do I even need to begin explaining how awful the direct messaging thing is? Sigh.

Instagram can make you… Instasingle with just just one like. It’s scary how much power two taps on a little glass screen has…

Are you textually active and practicing safe text?

Oh my gosh don’t read texts.

That’s it. Whatever you do, just restrain yourself. It may be tempting; she’s in the shower, he left his phone at your place, you know each others’ lock codes, he shouldn’t be hiding anything anyway…

WELL THEN STOP YOURSELF. THIS IS THE DEVIL’S FRUIT. (This is also applicable to Facebook messages)

The reason why this is bad is because you’ll never know the full story. You’ll only get hurt no matter what you see. There’s no way that you’ll find the text you’re looking for. I know you’re looking for the text that she sent to her ex telling him to stop talking to her cause she is happily and helplessly in love with you. Although that may happen in movies, your chances of finding that are very slim, I promise.

Maybe he’s talking to his ex because she is going through a family problem that he knows about. Maybe she’s texting her best platonic guy friend„ the friend you think has a crush on her… but you have no proof of it. It doesn’t matter. The fact that you invaded the privacy is the worst, and you get in too deep and get paranoid and it goes down hill from there. It’s downhill and the brakes on your car aren’t working and the hill is really steep and your seatbelt just decided to give up and your air bags are non-existent.

Just think about the confrontation:

“So… are you talking to your ex now?”

“What?”

“I SAW YOUR TEXTS. I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU WOULD-”

“YOU READ MY TEXTS? YOU DON’T RESPECT MY PRIVACY-“

YEAH THAT WAS REALLY FUN HUH. IT’S MESSY. DONT LET A PIECE OF METAL DICTATE YOUR LIFE.

Whether you want to believe it or not, we’re all slaves to technology. They are ruining our relationships, and it’s sad but also kind of funny… but mostly sad. So what is my solution? To disconnect from technology entirely? No, not quite. As a lover of social media, I would only advise you to remember that it’s not real. It’s something on a screen, either computer, tablet, or phone. Fight about how long she takes to get ready, or how he chews with his mouth open, not about how long it took to like your picture. Or don’t take my advice; it is your relationship. Just do us both a favor and try not to have to tell your friends that the reason why you guys broke up was because of a subtweet. #IFTHATSTHECASE #YOUDONTDESERVESOCIALMEDIA #ORASIGNIFICANTOTHER